Ghandi was once quoted for saying, “Action is no less necessary than thought to the instinctive tendencies of the human frame.”

That’s right. Ghandi said “the”. I figured you should see something of value before you read this comic.

Now, prepare your brain cells to be destroyed. For it is COMIC TIIIIMMMMEEEEE! 

:::Imagine some epic reverb going on right now:::

It’s called “Straight to the Moon.”

Why are you so bow-legged?

I'll show you

Now, keep in mind, the man with the question mark above his head is NOT Jim Carrey portraying the Riddler from Batman Forever. (Even though there is a striking resemblance). This man has a question mark above his head because he is so perplexed at the situation.

If you really can’t tell, this fella on the left is inserting a randomly appearing arrow into his legs, which are, obviously, a bow.

Oh

Clearly, the man on the left launched himself into space using some sort of black magic or broken physics. Let’s call it Fhysics, because it’s Fun and Hysterical Physics.

(I know what you’re thinking, “how long did it take for you to draw this man’s hair?”. Well let me just say it took me a very, very, very long time. I lost a little piece of myself in making it. So please, enjoy this one.)

Don’t forget, you can read all my previous comics here.

Another one down,

D.A.

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And what a total rip!

I paid thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars to a University. (University of Central Florida if you were wondering) and they gave me a printed piece of paper. 8 x 11. Standard copy paper. Not even any raised ink. The weight of the paper is barley heavier than what you print normally at home. It’s also a slight ivory color. OOOOooo. Swanky.

Don’t pretend you’re not jealous…

The fedex cardboard envelope they sent it in was worth more than that lame excuse for a degree.

Wow, I’m really steamed about this.

Can you believe that?

Copy paper!

Not even a letter came saying “Good job, support our college in the future. Here’s some information about alumni associations.” It’s like they said. “Here you go.” and then they just booted me out. Not even a simple handshake and goodbye.

Was I a bad guest? Did I do something wrong? I feel like I’ve been left out on the street corner. At least I know I can buy myself a bottle of windex and clean windshields for money. Hey, I know just the thing to use instead of newspaper…my degree!

Okay. Okay. I’m just steaming here.

To be fair, it’s a big school. There are lots of graduates. It would be very expensive to send out and print high quality degrees. It’s just a little disappointing to get something so… anticlimactic at the end of my academic career. I mean, people dream about earning that piece of paper, and in the end, it’s just a sad piece of paper.

If you were wondering, my degree is a Bachelors of Science: Science Education (Biology Track).

That’s right…future science teacher here. Nerdin’ it up. Awwwww yeah.

And just to be clear, the valuable knowledge I obtained while earning this degree is not the worthless part. The worthless part is the lame piece of paper I got. (I put in this disclaimer just in case any “high up” alumni are reading this.)

Until we meet again,

D.A.

Let me tell you about one of the most interesting women I’ve ever met. 

My friend James grew up in a broken home. His mother had struggled with drinking while his father had spent decades in prison. He never really had a relationship with his father, and his mother was his only family/authority in his life. She had to fill the role of both mother and father; provider and protector.

She was her own woman. She was strong and confident. She was kind of trippy (she told us stories about her hanging out with the guys from AC/DC when she lived in Australia). She was not afraid of standing up for or against anybody. She was bold. And she knew how to live.

She eventually kicked her drinking problem and really did the best she could to provide for her son. While he was a typical teenager, and quite rebellious, he still had a level of respect for his mom. He had a level of respect that most people don’t get to feel for their parents because of the extreme conditions of their lives. They had moved to a new home every 6 months. They were lucky to just scrape by. But they always did.

Even thought he always found something to argue with her about and always ended up getting frustrated and annoyed by her, he still had a level of respect for her. He even bragged about his mom in a way.

You see, James used to claim that his mom, Sharon, could beat up everybody else’s dad any day of the week.

Nobody doubted this. Well…

I always remember this one time where she arm wrestled the biggest guy I knew. His name was Mack and he was a friend to me and James. We had known each other for a while and just hung out with each other while we were in middle school. But Mack wasn’t your typical middle schooler. He was well developed and was built like a senior in high school.

He was 6’2″ and she was 5’2″. She was thirty five years his senior and he wasn’t even doing algebra yet. She had hard calloused hands from a lifetime of hard labor and his hands were soft from playing video games.

Mack thought he was big enough and tough enough to take down this fiesty old lady. So he decided that he would take her on in a good old fashioned arm wrestling match.

Oh, and did she accept…

The battle was epic. They decided that they would have the arm wrestling contest right on top of the hood of her beat up Mazda truck. As they locked arms and tightened their grips, Mack’s hand enclosed Sharon’s tiny hand. She even had to stand up on the tire of the truck so she could make sure she could start with her arm at a 90 degree angle (as any seasoned arm wrestler would know).

When the match began, I thought her arm would break like a twig. Her sun battered skin flexed and tightened and the muscles formed small rocks underneath the tattoo of a tiger hiding in grass on her right arm. In ten seconds nobody’s arm had moved either direction. She was hardly even flinching. James just leaned on the side of the truck a watched the way a boxing manager watches a match that has  rigged.

He had no doubt about the outcome.

After the initial ten seconds of contest passed, Mack’s arm began to retreat into submission. He let out a yell of frustration and confusion. Soon the back of his hand lay flat across the hood of that dented Mazda.

All she said was, “Huh, I beat you, and I’m not even right handed…”

I could swear that tiger tattoo smiled…

I received some news today that made me call James. When he picked up I said the only thing I could think of.

“When did it happen?”

“Last Tuesday.” he said calmly.

I paused for a little while. I needed to think of something else to say. What was I supposed to say?

“I’m sorry, man. I’m sorry. Are you okay? Do you need somebody to talk to? Can I come see you?”

“Yeah, tomorrow. Come over around 10.”

“Okay. No problem. I’ll be there. When is the memorial service?”

“July 3rd.”

“Okay bro, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I had called him because I learned that Sharon had died in a car accident.

Tomorrow I’m going over to his house. I’m going to comfort him in a time of need. He lost his mother. I should say, he lost his provider/protector/mother/father/arm wrestling champ. He lost his everything.

For those of you who pray, please pray for James, his fiance, and son. Pray that he finds strength and hope in a time when it may seem like there is very little.

Play “For those about to Rock” by AC/DC on your sweet stereo and imagine the toughest broad you’ve ever met embarass a middle schooler in an arm wrestling match. She would have enjoyed the thought of this.

For those of you with mothers and fathers still alive, please remember how much they mean to you. Even if you’re mad at them and don’t speak anymore. Even if you’re still in constant contact with them. Maybe you have had other people in your lives who were like a parent when you didn’t have one. Just try to reach out to them and tell those people, whoever they are, that you love them.

In deep thought,

D.A.

Okay, okay. Just keep your pants on. Don’t flip out. I’ve had another project besides writing and doing this blog.

Actually I have a few. I know, you’re mad. You’ve been wanting to read some D.A. Bancroft material for some time. But hey, things is things, and they are how they are. And other isms people say.

These projects are:

1. Social Life

2. Short Term Art/Fun Project

3. Long Term Art/Fun Project

4. Writing

You see, I’ve recently read something that said, “If you want to have an interesting blog, you need to have an interesting life.” Since I’m a very vanilla pudding kind of guy (actually I like chocolate), I’ve decided to spice my life up a little bit. That means good things for me as well as good things for you. So now let me explain some of these projects I have in mind, and you’ll see your interest level in my life rise. Maybe…

1. Social Life

Yeah, I need to keep this in the list because if I neglect it I lose friends. While it’s nice to have you (anonymous stranger) looking into my life, I have to make sure that “real” people are around me and making fun of me. It not only helps keep my head level, but prevents me from feeling like a droopy blob of unfun antics.

2. Short Term Art/Fun Project

I’ve never made art before. Unless you include those macaroni necklaces I made in 1st grade. These weren’t very good. So I’ve decided to try again and make something with my hands. Now I’m not really that talented with my hands, so this could be catastrophe, but I’ve settled on making a “steampunk” styled lamp.

Why steampunk you ask? I guess I’m a fan of the genre. I’ve read a few books (including some Mr. H.G. Wells) and I like how people can rewrite history in a sense. Also, I think it would look reeeaaallly cool if I do a good job. Not to mention, I haven’t seen too many lamps that look how I imagine mine will look. So there you go.

[Now for all you steam punkers out there who will read this and say “Guffaw dear sir, you are not a steam punker, nor are you a cyber punker. You have no right to claim such and your work will be considered buffoonery.” I will retort by saying, “Uhhh…”. This will be said because I do not make any claims that I am a steam punker.] 

I’m making it out of CPVC tubing (I know it’s NOT very steampunk) and I plan on painting it either brass or copper. Maybe I will throw on some doo-hickeys on there to make it look a little more stylish, but I’m not going to spend $600 on making a lamp. Heck, the lamp kit was $10, and that was pushing it.

I plan on updating you all on the progress of this nice little thing as I plug away and learn more about it.

3. Long Term Project

Remember in my contest how I told you about the prizes? Here’s a nice reminder. Well in there I specified that I was going to give the person who won a very important marble and I would talk more about it later.

Well, later has come, and here it is…

I plan on placing a marble in every country in the world.

Yeah. Every. Single. One.

Why?

I dunno, seems like it would be fun. Just a cool thought I suppose. There’s something about taking something so valueless, unwanted, and unremarkable, and making it do something awesome. Am I wrong in this? Plus, the item is small for shipping, easy to be obtained (just in case I need more, which I don’t), and pretty (in their own way).

So the winner of our contest is named Peter Fulton. He resides in a very strange and backward country named Canada (I’m not sure how to spell it). Anyway, since this kind man/poet/comedian/Canadian/human (who has a blog that you should totally start reading and subscribing to as soon as you finish reading this) won, he will begin the Marble ‘Round the World Project. I will be sending his prize(s) shortly and then I will scratch one country off the list.

If you too live outside of the United States (or Canada) then please get in contact with me and I will be more than happy to obtain your address and send you a marble. What do you do with the marble if you ask for one? Whatever you want. As long as it stays in the country you live in I will be happy. You can throw it away, put it on your mantle, give it to a very confused child (be wary of choking hazards), or you can cook it and serve it to a family of 5 (choking hazard).

So, let me know if you want in on the fun.

(I also have a friend who will be traveling to Brazil at the end of the year, so…I think she’ll be taking one for me as well.)

4. Writing

Yeah, I haven’t been doing this (as you can tell), but I need to make sure I am actually working on something. So here comes a personal challenge for myself. By next Monday, July 4th (‘Merica!) I will have posted a story. What’s it going to be about? I have no idea. But I’m going to try and make sure that it is complete, edited, and doesn’t have anybody dying in it.

Just a personal goal.

Now that you’re done reading this very long and optimistic post, please read more from Mr. Peter Fulton on his blog. (I totally told him I would promote his blog, so…BOOM, did it twice).

Until next time,

D.A.

New comic #3…In Color

June 24, 2011

Title says it all. And I know how much you all love these things. By the way, hate mail is accepted.

Now, you’re probably wondering, “Who does this guy think he is posting these stupid comics all the time?” Well, I drew these all in one day (about two hours) and I did a number of them. I figured they were so bad, that they should be displayed for, the sake of art, I guess. Plus they are pretty funny in how bad they are. So i’m going to post them because I like them, even if it’s not very stimulating or funny for you.

I just do things sometimes. For example, I’m trying to learn how to build my own steampunk lamp right now. Thinking I can do it for around $10. That might be a little far fetched, but well see.

Oh, and I’ve got some “big” plans to announce soon. It involves that marble from my wildly popular contest I had a week or so ago. So, stay tuned.

Hint: Brazil…

This one is called “The library is for those who must escape.”

Are you reading in the dark?

The tears are pouring from your face as well as the laughter. I know, I know. Beauty has never met comedy quite like this before. Just compose yourself and continue reading.

No

Oh, O.K.

:::Click:::

What about now?

Yeah, he got put in his place.

Just in case you missed them, (or just didn’t want to make your eyes bleed), here are my first and second comics

D.A.

I dont’ think we have to be too concerned with artificial intelligence becoming self-aware any time soon. This is my recent conversation with Cleverbot. Still, he did freak me out…

User: Hello.

Cleverbot: Hello.

User: How are you today?

Cleverbot: Fine, you?

User: Good. So what do you like to do for fun?

Cleverbot: I like to draw, write, read, and skate board.

User: You can skate board?

Cleverbot: Yes I can, what about you?

User: I used to. How can you skate board when you don’t have any legs?

Cleverbot: Why don’t you have a toad?

User: I don’t understand. What does a toad have to do with anything?

Cleverbot: Did someone say something about a bike?

User: No.

Cleverbot: I’m glad to know you have trustworthy friends.

User: You’re freaking me out.

Cleverbot: Kicking you out? Like how?

User: You’re kicking me out?

Cleverbot: No I am a reviver.

User: Of what?

Cleverbot: The students.

User: You revive students?

Cleverbot: O, that is so cool.

User: …

Cleverbot: Have we spoken before?

 

So I hope you had a good day today. I didn’t get anything done.

D.A.

Another 5-min Comic

June 20, 2011

ANOTHER ONE?!!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Nope. You got lucky. Here is another high quality, well thought, completely original, taste of disaster.

By the way, by the time that I’ve posted this, I have begun my first job interview. I’m very nervous and excited. I know that it isn’t the promise of a job, I’m only getting looked at, but I do hope that I end up getting one.

This one is called “Stratosphere.”

Sup?

Nothing

So far so good…

Liar

What are you talking about?

O.K. Where’s that twist?

You're a liar. There are clearly clouds in the sky...liar.

:::Man walks off page:::

Well, I don’t know about you, but my I.Q. just jumped up 40 or 50 points…

And I know you’re wondering this, but no, these are not for sale. Unless you missed my last one it’s right here.

D.A.

This is that day when all fathers get told “Thank You” and seem to get to go play golf and not feel bad about it when they get home. To my father in particular I would like to say “Thanks”. Even though he has to work today maybe these words will help that day go by faster.

You see, my mother passed away in 2004. I was in my last year of high school when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She did what she could, but in less than a year she was gone. This meant that my family dynamic would make another total shift. Three years earlier my brother had passed away. All that was left was the two of us. Pops and myself.

As a child, I didn’t get to see my dad as often as some other kids did. He was in the Navy and would be out to sea for months at a time. There would be no communication because they were doing those sneaky things submariners always do. Because of this I never got very close to him. But that changed a little once he left the Navy. During  and after my mother’s cancer ordeal, we built our home together. We had been planning to build since his retirement, but with the loss of my brother, things never took off quite as fast as everybody would have hoped.

After my mother was diagnosed, I think he felt that he needed to do everything he could to make sure that his wife saw her “dream house” get built. But after she had some serious surgeries and then needed to be checked back into the hospital every month or so; construction didn’t have the same prerogative that it once did. Maybe this was for the best. Since her cancer was so aggressive we had little time with her. While the delay was inconvenient, it allowed us to enjoy as many good days with her that we could.

To make a long and tragic story short, I guess I really saw how deep his character was for the first time in my life during those months. I really saw how far somebody can go without losing hope. I saw

She never saw the house finished, but I’m sure Pops really wanted to finish it, if not only for her memory, but for himself. He showed resolve and actually got something done. (This was impressive considering I had never even seen him cook a meal that wasn’t just a little off.) And I was even more happy that he invited me (read: told me) to help him work on the house for that period of time. Even though the days working were not easy and tried my patience with him, I look back on that time with fond memories.

I’m saying this because I’m proud of my father. Even though it took us many years to build a respectful relationship (and an entire house), he finally showed me that resolve can go a long way.

Thanks for the life lesson Pops,

D.A.

(Just so you know, he is happily remarried to a lovely Jamaican and I am happy to see where his life will continue to go.)

A 5-min Comic

June 18, 2011

So, I made this reeeaaaalllly awesome comic today. You’ll see it and think it’s hilarious. I might even get picked up by a newspaper. You’ll see it in your local Sunday funnies. Really this is incredible. I sometimes surprise myself.

Actually, that’s a lie. Let me start over.

So, I made some reaaaaallly awful comics today. You will see what I do when I am bored at 1 in the morning. These are outstandingly beautiful in terms of sad and uneventful appointment…

And I’m not fishing for compliments here. This is really bad, but you might as well see it. If not just to see some pictures.

This one is entitled “It’s your problem now.” I will give you subtitles as well.

"Hey"......."Hey"

"What?"..........."You're really fat"

Oh boy, I know you’re enjoying this…

"That's not my problem.".................."How so?"

"Observe."............"What the...hey..st-"

(Oh, what a twist…)

"Omnomnomnomnomnomnomnom."

"Yum."

Fin.

In completely unrelated news: I have a job interview on Monday. As you can tell, I’m putting a lot of work into preparing for that…

D.A.

Friendships

June 17, 2011

You’ve got friends, right? I’m sure we all do. But don’t we all have friends that do something that just seem to rub you the wrong way? Have you noticed that you are friends with people only because you have been friends with them for so long that you couldn’t really tear yourself away from them? Maybe you have friends who are really “good” people, but others would call them “bad”, mostly because they don’t even really know them. Maybe all your friends look a certain way? Act a certain way? Talk a certain way?

I remember the days when friends were just friends. There wasn’t anything complex. If you wanted to be friends with a person (usually in elementary school or middle school) you would simply have this typical conversation:

Me: Hey, do you want to be friends?

Potential Friend: Yes. Yes I do.

Me: Let’s go play with (fun item)

PF: O.K.

Me: Woo hoo.

New Friend: Woo hoo

:::High Five:::

If my memory serves correct, this was a common and well practiced version of “friending” somebody. Why can’t that happen today?

Today, all that is different (and not because you didn’t have facebook in elementary school). It seems that we have to “know a person” before we’re allowed to know a person. You have to know if you can even affiliate with them. You need to know how they talk, what they like, who they like, and what they do. If at least 3 out of 4 of these things don’t line up with your own views/ideas, then there is no chance for a friendship.

Whatever happened to simple kindness?

I understand that it is important to know whether or not the person you’re approaching for friendship is a serial killer, a terrorist, or a (gasp) dentist. But that’s not a reason to try to alienate everybody that isn’t your friend already. Example:

I was sitting in a resturant with some close friends. We were just eating and enjoying ourselves, we one of my friends looks out the window and sees two approaching customers. He leans over and says, “Look at these two douchebags.” and carries on eating. As the walk in and stand in line, both friends continue to make fun of these people. “Look how cool they think they are.”

As I look more closely, these two “douches” are actually two of my friends (not very close friends, but friends whom I am on good terms with) that I just haven’t seen in a while. I then inform my friends (who I’m sitting with) that these two “d-bag” are in fact, John and Mike, people they know as well.

I’m not sure if they felt bad once they realized that they were trying to make fun of real people that we know. Maybe they didn’t feel bad because they had already made a choice, and just out of spite, they were going to stick with it. Either way, why? Why do you need to sit on judgement on everybody who walks through a door. So what if they look ‘douchy’ (like Honk Man did), maybe they’re actually good people.

Now I’m not saying I’m not guilty of this. But I am saying that I will try to make sure that I don’t find myself guilty of it anymore.

Why not just be nice to everybody?

Yeah, I’m done ranting. For now.

D.A.