At the Risk of Defaming My Own Character…

July 6, 2011

I will be giving you a very short post tonight. 

This is because I am going to be playing Diablo II online until the wee hours in the morning. And I mean wee.

It will be short, and full of blood. Sort of…

Recently I’ve noticed that I have this weird complex when it comes to killing bugs.

I don’t kill mammals. I don’t kill fungi (because I hate mushrooms). I don’t kill reptiles.  I don’t kill humans.* But I kill lots of bugs.

Spiders, palmetto bugs, beetles, scorpions, moths, mosquitoes, cockroaches, and centipedes seem to make up 20% of the biomass in my rural home. That’s counting me, my family, and pets as biomass.

A real problem

This is a Palmetto Bug. It's basically a 2" roach.

Why do I kill them? 

Because one time I woke up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain. (By the way, I spelled excruciating correctly the first time I wrote it right there). I woke up with my ear drum rapidly expanding and flittering. It was disorienting and painful. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. After I tried to make sure that I wasn’t losing my balance (even though I was laying in bed) I got up and then practically crawled to my father’s room.

I pleaded with him to look in my ear. He tried looking in there with a light. Every fifteen seconds another flutter of pain and severe vertigo would take grasp me. I was begging for relief.

If a doctor would have been on hand right there, I would have been crazy enough to tell him to cut out the right side of my head. If there is something in there, you may use a drill, take it out.

It never got that serious, but it could have…

After a very awkward late night ear draining experience, a moth fell out of my ear.

A MOTH!

Now every time I see a similar moth, I kill it with swift vengeance.

When I see one, I stop what I’m doing and break out into hunt mode.

My eyes slit. Time moves slower. My breathing becomes silent. My footsteps are swift and certain. Eyesight and hearing become sharper than ever. Thoughts allow me to become a MacGyver in terms of weapons.

Did you know that a Swifter style mop is one of the most effective killing machines of our generation?

Well now you do…

Now, you entomology expert you, I bet you’re wondering why I kill all the bugs, even when there are good bugs that would do the killing for me.

I’ll tell you why.

Because every bug/insect/arachnid wants my blood. I’ve killed too many of their own for them to allow me to live. If I were one of them, I would make life long plans of retribution. I would tell my children of the menace to our existence and his crimes against our freedom. I would be seen as a giant devil in their eyes. Stories are told through the generations of a giant white demon with a flip-flop in his hand.

I’m certain, that if I had a powerful enough microscope, I could find a very tiny wanted poster asking for my head. (

I kill them because I want to wake up in the morning.

Now I will venture off into the interwebs,

D.A.

*Isn’t this a scary place to see an asterisk?

 

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2 Responses to “At the Risk of Defaming My Own Character…”

  1. goldfish Says:

    GAH!!!!!!!1! That’s a horrible story.

    I would kill bugs too, except that I don’t kill bugs. I don’t like that squish/crunch sound. I leave them to my dog and cat to handle which they accomplish with terrible, prolonged violence, torturing their prey before finally eating it. Animals are gross, but insects are grosser (that’s not a word).


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