Grumblings

September 25, 2011

So I have a few things to pick on. And as a added bonus I shall present them in list form.

I will be speaking directly to all these items I mention.

Huzzah!

1. Commercials

Every moment of every day has some infomercial promoting some poorly made product to the masses with bright colors and loud announcers. There is always a 1-800 number associated with it and there is always the low price of $19.99.

Speaking as a consumer I think we are all wary of these tactics. The fact is that you are trying to sell us two of something that is really priced to make a 200% profit. We don’t even really want two of these things anyway.

So let’s just cut the crap and go back to the days of the Ginsu Knives and the George Foreman Lean Mean Meat Grilling Fat Reducing Machine. Not because the products you were selling were of a higher quality, (and they may have been) but because the commercials were at least mildly entertaining.

I still have precious memories of watching a loud man cut through steel cans…

2. Internet games.

Stop trying to draw my attention away from more important matters.

I would love to play you Star Wars The Old Republic/League of Legends/World of Warcraft/Call of Duty but I cannot commit to doing anything that you want me to. I have a job and concerns outside of leveling up so I can get a new mod for my character.

Yes, you are beautiful and flashy. You have cool themes and funny jokes. You challenge my ability to hit buttons faster than a 12 year old Korean kid that does nothing but play these games in his room. Still, I can not commit to you.

So stop tempting me. And if you don’t stop… then I’ll probably buy you and then play you over Christmas break.

3. Food.

How about you stop spoiling before I can eat you? I have managed to throw away wonderful food stuffs out of my refridgerator all because I didn’t have the time nor memory to eat you. If you never went bad this would not be a problem.

4. Cool cartoons from the 90’s.

When I was growing up I learned so much of my humor and life lessons from looking at you. So please make yourself known to the world by appearing on television/the internet more often. I would be happy to list those shows but frankly there are too many. If you were drawn and were on television in the 90’s you should still be shown somewhere. I want to watch you and remember the good old days when I would get home from school and eat some Gushers and drink a Hi-C juice box.

Also, Hi-C juice boxes and Gushers should magically appear in my pantry very soon.

5. My legs.

Stop hurting. I know you don’t like getting used so often but I really need to get places. You just keep doing your job and I’ll get to keep mine.

If possible, could you grow longer? I’m rather short thanks to you and I would like to be able to buy a pair of pants that are actually at the proper length.

That is all. Carry on.

D.A.

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The Younger Me

August 28, 2011

Today I remembered something about myself when I was just a wee lad. 

I was freaking cute.

I was also keeping the future in mind…

Star Wars fandom took over my life at a relatively young age. I remember seeing my dad watch The Empire Strikes Back back when I was around 7 or 8. It was the battle of Hoth scene, and I remember thinking, “Woah, this is super cool.” After that my friend Bobby let me come over to his house and play with his “aliens” that were characters from the Star Wars films.

Then Bobby let me borrow one of his Star Wars toys to take over to my house. It was all over after that.

It was like a drug. I needed more. Much more.

I would go to the store with my mom and always beg for an action figure. It didn’t always work, but when it did, I felt like I was assembling the worlds greatest collection of awesome toys ever. The scale of my collection really isn’t anything to sneeze at, it’s quite good and was meticulously taken care of, but it also served another purpose in my life.

I honestly can’t remember if I’ve shared this on the blog or not. (So if I have, I apologize for repeating myself, but there are so many posts on here by now that I have no real idea what I have/haven’t said about my life)

But my brother was a high demand special needs child. He always needed attention to make sure he was doing good. If he ended up in a bad mood he could harm himself or others. He was also prone to having serious seizures, so we always needed to keep checking on him to make sure we knew if one occurred.

As a kid I understood full well what that meant. It meant that I would have to entertain myself as best as I could because my parents were quite busy taking care of Todd (we’ll just say that’s my brother’s name).

This explains why I watched T.V., movies, played video games, and fiddled with toys all the time. If I was home, I needed to be in my room. Todd couldn’t play with my toys because he would likely destroy them. (He would also drool all over them and they would get super icky.) He was also much larger and stronger than me, so if he decided that he didn’t want me to be around him, he could physically dominate me. So, me alone in my room was the safest and most fun place I could spend my time.

So, back on topic. 

I spent a lot of time in my room playing with Star Wars action figures. And when I moved to Florida from Georgia I made friends with many more kids that loved Star Wars. My collection expanded to not only action figures, but MicroMachines and assorted items as well. Then one day my enjoyment took a strange turn.

I thought about how these toys may one day be worth money. I think I saw one of my neighbors collection those 12″ G.I. Joes. They were nicely displayed and kept in the boxes and I figured the same had to be true for Star Wars toys. If their toys were important…so were mine. Star Wars was waaaay cooler than G.I. Joe anyway.

And I began collecting and amassing toys that were still in their packaging. I proudly displayed them on my wall. I would routinely make sure they were dusted and unaffected by anything that would potentially affect their value. I used thumb tacks and pin them to my wall. The tack would then but used as a hanger to slip the packaging onto. (I never punctured the packaging at all.)

I even had toys in boxes that I really wanted to play with. Still, I held out. The whole packaging issue became so important to me that I eventually started keeping the packaging of toys that I decided to open. It just felt wrong to get rid of it. Even if the price was now nearly worthless because the package was open.

This continued until I was around 13.

I stopped collecting and didn’t feel as proud about my mint conditioned Star Wars action figures. I guess I was growing up. Or maybe I was told that I need to clean out my closet or something.

Then the day came when I decided that I needed to put them away. They needed to be put into the closet with my Jurassic Park, Power Rangers, and Batman toys. They were going to be officially retired.

As I was putting them into boxes I started to think about time. All the time that it took for me to collect these things. All the time that they spent on my wall. All the time that I missed out on playing with these guys. But then I realized that I didn’t even play with my opened packed toys anymore… so why should these be any different.

I might as well throw them away.

I found a whole mess of packaging with no toys inside. It was just garbage. It had no value at all. So I decided to throw it away. Then I found some of those silly little toys. Maybe it was from Taco Bell in a kids meal or something. And I threw those away. I even grabbed a few opened action figures and thought about throwing them away…

But then I said to myself something along these lines. “Maybe I will want to play with these later. When I grow up I might want to sell them when I get into college. Maybe I’ll still think they’re cool and will find a better way to show them off. Hey, I can even get a job one day and I can start buying more.”

But none of those reasons seemed to be really feasible. I didn’t’ really think I would keep a hold of them for much longer.

Then it hit me.

What if I have kids and they want to have some cool toys?

In that moment I decided that I needed to do it because of them. Just in case they had a brother like Todd that needed a lot of care they would have some cool toys to hang on their wall. They could even play with them if they wanted to.

I would let them open the package. If they wanted to. I would still tell them they should not open it, but if they really wanted to they could.

And that’s the really cool thing about my young self I remembered today. I was thinking about my future children having my Star Wars collection.

I’m not sure if that is more nerdy than cute but I’m still pretty happy about it.

I just hope I find a wife who’s okay with me moving my boxes Star Wars junk into our first home.

If she asks me why I still keep these toys, I’ll just smile and say, “What if our kids want to have cool toys?

Still making flying sound effects with my mouth,

D.A.

Here are a few very important notes for all of you:

1.  I have decided on the name of my short story.

It will be called Memorandum RE: Galaxy. This may or may not be the best name for anything ever written in the history of humankind. Obviously it will involve a memo and it is in reference to the state of the galaxy. Yeah, it’s going to be a spacey alien humor thing (Sheesh, a dime a dozen, huh?). So if you particularly like that kind of stuff, you may like this. And if you don’t, then you should probably still read it, because you adore me (I expect to see no corrections here in any comments).

2. I’ve discovered that I only think in 15 min increments.

That’s right. If somebody asks me when I will be at their house, I will respond with a time that ends in “o’clock”, “15”, “30”, or “45”. I must have watched T.V. so much as a kid that I believe only important things can occur in those time frames. This goes for everybody else I know as well. I have never had anybody tell me they will meet me at the restaurant at 4:52 p.m. If they did my brain would likely explode. Does that mean I show up at 4:45 and get there early? Or do I show up late at 5:00? Either way, it would make for an awkward moment. The smattering of brain matter on my shirt would also make things weird too.

In a related note, I cut to commercial breaks every 15 mins. It’s quite tough for me to make new friends because of it. Nobody wants to stick around to hear me talk about Sockem’ Boppers for the 11th time (They’re more fun than a PILL-O-FIGHT).

Yes, all my ads are from the early 90’s.

3. I realized what every guy in the world wants to be.

We want to be a fair balance of Sean Connery, Doctor Who, Chuck Norris, all male cast members from the original Star Wars Trilogy (especially Boba Fett), Leonidas, Batman, and the Red Power Ranger. And we all wish we could bust into a wicked sweet guitar solo at any time. And all men believe that all the aforementioned individuals can, in fact, bust into a wicked solo at the drop of a hat.

4. The soundtracks from SimCity 3000 and SimCity 4 are incredible.

“Nuff said right there. Those links will take you to FREE digital download goodness. You’re ear buds will thank you. No really, go there. They are “legit free as well. Maxis/EA games released all that music for fans. So become one.

5. I’ve updated my “about” page. 

It is in list form. So… if you enjoy lists and such, it’s right up your alley. I will add to it at my leisure.

6. Anybody who replied to my last post with a comment about not snoring is a liar.

They all snore. Everybody snores. Except the names listed in #3 of this post.  Those people are so rad they don’t even need to sleep.

Well I’ve done my damage for today, what about you?