Weird Day

March 27, 2012

(One thing I’ve learned about writing a good blog post is to give your audience an interesting opening sentence.)

Today I taught a bunch of immature 15 year-olds about penises and vaginas. There was only a little giggling. I was even paid to do this.

(Pretty good, huh?)

Normally this would be a really traumatizing experience for a human being. Think about it. What if I walked up to you and said something like “Hey, you’re going to stand in front of a bunch of teenagers and talk about female and male reproductive anatomy for about an hour and a half. Twice.”

Your likely response would be to scream “You’ll never take me alive!” and kick me in the epididymis as you turn and run to your escape.

But I performed my professional duty without any hitches. No biggie.

This was far different that last experience of doing this last term. Last year I was a nervous wreck. I could hardly collect my thoughts and didn’t know how to approach such a delicate subject. This year I didn’t even bat an eye at the thought.

What was the difference? I think it was probably due to my familiarity with the subject material now. I’m just a little bit more comfortable in my skin. And I have some pretty decent kids in my classes that “get me” and are usually willing to listen (or just not disrupt).

But I also think today was a day where I was in true autopilot.

And that’s a little terrifying.

Today I taught a whole bunch of little humans about how they came into being. Today I ended up grading tons of papers. Today I ended up attending a very early meeting that started at 6:30 a.m. Today i ended up running a practice for a quiz team after school. This is all very involved and thought demanding stuff to do.

Today I did all of that…and I don’t remember using my brain. This lasted about nine hours.

In hindsight I don’t think I was in control of my body today.

Now I know that I’m not the only person to ever experience this before. But this is the first time in my memory that it’s happened to me. And the other thing is, I feel like I did a pretty decent job today. Is this common? I’m hoping not.

I’m starting to think I may be under the control of a small contingent of fratboy aliens that are hovering over our planet with remote controls that will work on human beings. Today I was their play toy. They probably think it’s funny to steal a person’s brain for all those hours of a day and see how he reacts when he regains thought control again.

And on top of all that, today felt like a Wednesday.

Weird day.

D.A.

Advertisements

I’ve been very busy full of self-examination this week. That may play a role in why I haven’t posted in some time. More on that later.

So what’s up? Yeah, that’s cool.

You look nice.

Have a nice Thanksgiving holiday? That sounds great/terrible.

Mine? It was good. We had six pies. Seven really. That’s both too much pie and just enough. I ate a lot of this pie. For many years we will speak of the Thanksgiving of 2011 as the Bancroft Family Apiecolypse. There was also turkey, but very little compared to pie.

This shirt? Oh, thanks for asking, I bought it from JCPenny’s for super-cheap. I live life on the rack.

(As a long side note I would like to mention how much I love shopping at a nice store’s clearance rack. I buy most of my clothes from these gems of economy. I can spend 20 bucks and walk away with three nice dress shirts and two ties. I’m not sure if I’m just a pro in the rack sales, but I love it.)

This year is my first Christmas where I’m a complete adult. This is translated as “I have to spend all of my own hard earned cash to make other people happy.”

This year I’ve pulled out all the stops.

I have signed up for reddit’s secret santa gift exchange. This is when I have decided to release my personal shipping information to a complete stranger whom I will never meet. They will then send me something. I will love that gift. (Unless it’s a severed hand)

In turn, I have also been given the private information from another human being in the world that has signed up to this program. I have been stalking their social and internet behaviors and have discovered something that will be the bane of my existance during this Christmas season. Something that affects all my gift-giving intentions this year.

I suck at coming up with gift ideas.

While I’m sure everybody will be happy with anything I give them, I still have to do a lot of thinking.

This year I have to shop for my father, step-mother, friend 1, friend 2, friend 3, friend 4, married couple 1, married couple 2, married couple 3, married couple 4, stranger from the internet, friend overseas.

BLLHSAHDJGHNNNEEE…..

NO. I’m not that creative. This is why I usually make my own gifts. When you make your own gift people will accept it as thoughtful and unique. Really it’s a way to save money and try to have fun while doing it. Also, you can hopefully make many copies of this gift and they will still think it is wholly unique to them.

I gave hollowed out books for safekeeping secretive spy notes one year. I gave people (impossibly difficult to open duct tape wrapped) Nerf guns/grab bags. (5 bucks each). I even made necklaces one year for some female family members.

This year I have no time to make these lovely little trinkets. So I’ve opted out for buying “real gifts”. This is more impossible than safely opening any duct taped wrapping paper.

I don’t know what to do.

On top of all this I’ve been asked what I want this year! Me? I don’t care what I get, just tell me what YOU freaking want.

Hold up. Now that I think about it, if you’re reading this, then you’re my friend…in a weird sort of way.

Now I’ve got to come up with a gift for you…. somehow…

SEE WHAT YOU DID?!?!?

And now it’s going to be stuck on the internet for forever and people will look back on this and say things like “That guy really sucked at giving strangers gifts…”

::Deep breath::

Oh wait…. I’ve got it.

I’m going to do something wonderful. Just for you.

I want to write…because, well…. I want to… and I want it to be fun and memorable… and I am using the internet…

::calculating in head::

I’m going to write you a story. Yes, very original. But this will be an ultra special story.

I’m going to write you… a… Christmas themed story. No… that won’t do.

A story with lasers and aliens battling in space…. No, that’s just silly.

I’ll write you a story of revenge and malice. Closer… but no cigar.

Actually, now that I’m looking at it, this all sounds pretty good.

But a simple story just won’t do.

::calculations completed::

EUREKA!

I’m going to write you a story, involving aliens and revenge and Christmas (this is sounding very Dr. Whoish). AND IT’ GOING TO BE A CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE STORY!!!!

Holy crap! That’s freaking awesome.

(As another very extended side note, I will point out to you, lovely reader, that I AM still working on writing an essay for my personal beliefs on science and religion. It’s just very hard and whatnot, especially after a lot of self assessing this past week or so. So, still expect that, but I’m still eating away at it. It’s just a very slow process.)

So, there’s at least one gift idea out of the way. And look at that, it only took me one post to come up with it.

The countdown to Christmas begins,

D.A.

Me versus You

May 18, 2011

This is an actual conversation between ME and YOU (the reader).

You: So… How’s your little project/short story coming along there D.A?

Me: Oh…pretty good, pretty good. I’ve met my quota for the day and some. Also, I feel that it’s coming a little easier for me than I expected.

You: Yeah, that sounds great. I have a hang nail

Me: What do I care about your hang nail? I’m trying to blog here, and you’ve got to come along and fussy things up. Just go clip it or something, don’t just complain about it.

You: Okay bro, calm down. What’s with you today anyway?

Me: Sorry, I just couldn’t get any sleep last night.

You: Oh why is that?

Me: I was up all night with a tiny pair of clippers hiding under your bed. When you fell asleep I clipped your nail to become the dreaded hang nail you have right now. By the way, you snore…

You: How? Why? What? Are you serious?

Me: :::Blank Stare:::

ANNNDD scene.

In all reality I am meeting my quota. I also plan on opening the story with the reader dropping in on a conversation. Does that break some rule? Is that a no-no? I’m not sure. I guess that’s why I went with the whole fake conversation above (or is it?)

So if you read this and you would like to help me out answer these questions:

  1. What are some funny short alien names?
  2. Do you actually have a hang nail?
  3. If you don’t, would you please remove the items stored under your bed before you go to sleep tonight?
  4. Are you aware that some people believe the world will end on May 21st?
  5. Do you realize my first story is due to come out on the 22nd?

I guess that’s some poor timing on my part, eh?