Two in a row…first time in a while.

I don’t have much to say (due to the crazy/laziness in my life right now), but I do have a funny little thing to share with you.

You know how phrases are used all the time? People will say things like “Right as rain” and “Scared half to death”. These phrases are things I heard when I was growing up. When I learned them, I didn’t understand how the phrase came to exist, only that it existed.

You can see this in little kids when they try to repeat certain phrases. They may not say “half to death”, they will probably say something close to it like “haftadef”. It’s close, but it’s not really what is being said. If anything we think it’s cute, which only reinforces that child to misuse or mispronounce the words they are trying to say.

Saying that, I now tell you this.

When I was a kid, I though the phrase “tickle me pink” was actually “pickle me pink”.

It sounds like a punchline to a dirty Irish limerick.

And now that I’ve embarrassed the six-year-old me, I bid you adieu.

D.A.

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In the short period of only 3 days I have become more responsilbe and feeble than my grandparents.

Case in point. I saw my grandmother today, and she told me how she was up until midnight playing cards with her friends. She even told me how she went to a store and just browsed around…

When she said this I could only respond in a very Napoleon Dynamite-esque “Luckeeyyyy…”

Oh how my life has changed.

For the past three days my alarms has been set to go off at 5:12 a.m. 

Yes, there are no typos in that last sentence. Allow me to highlight the areas that probably concerned you.

For the past THREE DAYS my alarm(S) have been set to go off at 5:15 A.M.

I have not woken up, consistently, that early in over two years. I will now continue to do so until I die/retire/quit/have a real weekend.

Yes, I own and use multiple alarm clocks. Does that make me a little crazy or paranoid? It sure does. I have a more “classic” alarm clock that has two separate timers as well as my iPod as a secondary alarm. The iPod usually has two alarms set to go off as well. That make a grand total of four seperate alarms every morning.

Have I ever slept through the first one? Oh yeah, all the time. The second? That’s a big “Youbetcha.” Third? I regretfully say I have needed it’s graces. The fourth? I- I- I don’t want to talk about this anymore…

I should also mention that I woke up at 3:57 a.m. today. That is so early even the sun is still rubbing sleep out of it’s eyes. Why would I be so crazy to do something this irrational? I had a lab that I needed to prepare for, so I had to go shopping. At 5 in the morning. At Wal-Mart.

In a side note:

Have you ever been to a 24 hour Wal-Mart that early in the morning? Probably not, and you probably wouldn’t want to. But allow me to inform you that it is actually really nice.

The people who are working are mostly restocking. So they are just doing their work, running around the store, and getting some of the most important work done for a very large department store. But these people are rather cheerful. They actually said “hello” to me as I walked by. (It might have been the tie, people always dig a guy in a tie. Especially if he looks like a zombie that stole a normal man’s tie.)

There was an open line in the checkout section as well! I know stores are notorious for building over 40 checkout counters and only have 2 open at once, but this was a good thing. Nobody else was there, so no more operators were needed.  The customer to employee ratio was outrageous. I was easily outnumbered. I only saw three other customers in the entire store. So it was a relatively easy operation.

(This last paragraph was edited to make sure I used a word that begin with the letter “O” once in every sentence.)

Look at me know…I must have grown up. I am rambling about check out lines and neck ties…

Oh, I lament the days of summer. How I would wake up in the afternoon and wonder what I was going to do that day. Then I would eat entire meals. And enjoy them. I didn’t have so many voices ringing through my head.

It’s always the same conversation.

“Mr. Bancroft can I go to the bathroom?”

“No.”

“Please.”

“No. You know the policy. And I’ve already allowed you to use your only emergency hall pass for the grading period. So, once again, no.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Hey, spit out you’re gum.”

“Oh, okay.”

Man Alive! Why do they think I won’t notice the larger chunk of blue goo in their mouths? And why is it always some unnatural color?

Maybe I should just give in and start carrying a cane? I mean, I already sound mean a crotchety. Why not, right?

I also wrote my first referral today. Much easier than I expected it to be.

Oh man, I’m picking up that cane this weekend after that last sentence.

****

So yeah. I’m surviving. But just barely. I would love to be able to take my mind off the whole thing, but I can’t. It’s becoming a real part of me now. It’s kind of scary.

Still, I’m going to actually try to enjoy this weekend. Even if there is a slight possibility that a hurricane could kill us all. (I live in Florida, so we will be missed by Irene, but a guy can fantasize.)

I’ll be honest with you, if this post is hard to read, it’s because it was hard to write. I just wanted to get on here and feel a slight resemblance of my life from four days ago. I’m actually struggling to stay awake and the sun hasn’t even set yet.

Remember when we used to argue about Batman and I drew stupid comics? LOL, I used to think about stories to write… Good times man… Good times…

(Did I just use a LOL back there? Yeah, It’s bed time…)

Now on a farmer’s sleep schedule,

D.A.

One of the “writing exercises” I do involves writing something short in a stream of consciousness format.

Allow me to explain.

I don’t try to write complete thoughts or even compete sentences sometimes. I just try to write random collections of words. The goal is to just let go and say any and every thing I possibly can.

Why do I do this?

I don’t even know why I would ask myself that question. I don’t really have an answer. But I can tell you that my skill in thinking like this came to me with time. Time and repetition.

That’s right, I called it a skill. It’s something that has been worked on. I’ve put effort into making sure I can really clear my mind and just let loose with silly words.

I also have a theory about the benefit of doing this.

I think it helps with my vocabulary. In my mind thousands of words exist but in my daily speaking mannerisms I only use, let’s say, several hundred. Now, if I just let fly words that pop into my head, I’m probably going to notice that some words keep showing up.  Sometimes, if I’m lucky, some new words will pop up, and now I have “unlocked” them and I will use them in my writing.

So let’s me and you try this whole stream of consciousness thing together.

What I’m going to do is sit here at my laptop and relax. Then I’m going to try my hardest to turn off my brain. That could take me a few minutes . I know when I’ll be ready to begin once I feel like I’m looking into a big blank void. (Yes, I’m totally serious about this right now.)

Now the next paragraph you see will be my actual stream of consciousness thoughts. It will probably be full of typos and run on sentences, it  will likely appear to be complete nonsense. That’s because it is. But I always seem to get a real kick out of it and maybe you will too. So here goes nothing…

happy horn tripe toes falling tenticle raid cars freak shopping. Calloused means are justified by wenches. Camels are not going to forget. Sometimes the rules say to knots and slip the rides. Some plubm mistakes full are menting topics. I can’t rear any farms adds. Purpose taunting loves villains

Wow…

Now that’s some crazy stuff. It started off with some messy and patterned thought (H**** H***** T**** T***** pattern). Then more flowing thoughts came through.

What do they mean? I haven’t the slightest.

Now, I’ve also noticed some wonderful little items here. I used the word “raid“. That’s a word that is not in my everyday language. Yet, there it rests. “Knots” and “tripe” are two more of those words.

I like to think of this as a spring cleaning sort of moment. I have all this junk in my closet and I need to get rid of it or need to reorganize it into a more useful position. So I dump everything on the ground and say “Oh wow, look at that! It’s an old Teddy Ruxpin doll.” Then you find a place to put it and say, “Look at that, I thought I threw this thing away 20 years ago.”

Now I have a Teddy Ruxpin sitting in my recliner waiting to scare the crap out of anybody who walk in through my door.

So, everybody wins.

In this analogy the closet is my brain and the junk represents knowledge (knowledge of words that is). Then, as I dig through the old T-shirts and baseball gloves, I see that Teddy Ruxpin.

I should also clairify that  “Plubm“, “menting“, and “wenches” are probably misspelled words for “plumb“, “minting“, and “wrenches“. But I don’t care. It was typing with my eyes closed and was pretty surprised that I went that far without too many errors.

So, just because you all are good sports, why don’t you try a paragraph or two? Maybe you’ll have a completely different experience. I would love to see your results.

Crazy thoughts today,

D.A.

Acquisitions

August 11, 2011

My day today was pretty boring. I went to the last day of my first week of workshops. While I was there I made a few acquisitions. The county had received a number of donations to the county, namely textbooks, stickers, and gigantic chocolate candy bars.

Wait a second. That doesn’t sound boring at all!

Because it was awesome!

BEHOLD!

Yeah, it’s totally real.

BIG

Is this not one of the more crazy things you’ve ever seem? It’s called “The World’s Largest Hersey Bar” appropriately enough. And yes, that small red sliver next to it is a full length ruler. No, that’s not a baby doll sized bed that it’s resting on, it’s my very own. Want to see more. Of course you do.

Wait a second, does that say “5 LB” in the lower left hand corner?

Yeah. It does. Wondering how many serving sizes are contained within this beastly bar of bliss?

Way ahead of you.

Nutritional Facts

Just in case you were wondering, (and I know you were), I did the math for you.

That’s 12,000 Calories.

Well, I’m out of words to even describe this gem.

Not sure if somebody has died from a chocolate overdoes…but I guess you will soon find out.

D.A.