Irish Breakfast Tea with an preposterous amount of sugar in it.

That’s what’s hitting the spot right now.

Yesterday was a pretty good summer day. I went to work (seriously) and got some planning and such done. Then I met up with some friends and bought some acetone. (Nothing suspicious, I promise). Then I played about 3 hours of disc golf with the local club. I shot poorly and was attacked by gnats from the onset but it was still nice.

While driving home I saw the sun cast off light at those low angles that seem to land on your heart and not your skin. It was late in the day when the air decides that it can’t keep holding the heat inside and the temperature finally starts to drop. (Below 1 whole “Frick” unit). When the searing humidity drops you can smell the fresh cut grass and the magnolias in bloom. The sea breeze kicks up a little from the east and it carries the sounds of mockingbirds to your weary ears.

You know that feeling.

It’s got me in quite the introspective mood.

Oh, and that earth-shattering conversation I had with a friend a few days ago.

One of my closest friends called me only an hour or so after hanging out with me and began chewing me out for being a jerk the whole night toward him. Apparently my words (and they were few) were only filled with contempt and disdain toward him. He also pointed out to me that I had done this all night, not just to him, but in front of many of our other friends. He felt embarrassed, ashamed, and confused. When he called me I could feel the anger boiling through the phone.

So, what happened between us? Did he do something towards me and I felt I had to retaliate in some childish way? Nope. Did I make a decision to oust him as one of my closest people in my life because of a certain level of jealousy between us? No. Did I feel like ruining his life because of a weird and twisted love triangle? Not that either.

You want to know what lead him to telling me he was mere moments from never speaking to me again?

My sense of humor.

I know text doesn’t translate well into actual speech. I know personality doesn’t translate well either. You might assign a voice in your mind to my words. Maybe you imagine I sound like a cartoon character. A good humored and friendly voice that has a twinge of youth. You can tell I have a joke oriented presentation with an emphasis on self deprecation. Heck, with what you hear in your head, you might want to have a beer with me. And in certain groups, this tends to be true. (Except that beer tastes like fire urine)

But when I’m with people I’m close with, I take a more cynical and darker edge. I make some pretty dark jokes that can really catch the unsuspecting off guard. I’m also an expert at delivering everything with a straight face and a level of dryness that would make the Sahara look like a wading pool. It comes off, more times than not, as a cynical douchebag acting like…a cynical douchebag.

I was making fun of my friend (which only included a few dozen carefully chosen words) and it broke him down into a raving mad man. And I didn’t even say anything that would be considered offensive or outright unbecoming in terms of content. It’s how I said it.

The biggest problem here is that I didn’t see the effects my words were having. I had no idea. My best friend, whom asked me to be with him in his wedding, to help him grow as a human being, and to keep him level when things were shaky, was at wit’s end with me. I had spent countless hours with this guy, and I couldn’t even tell I was irking him. I couldn’t even tell he was upset when he left. I even thought he was joking when he called me and started destroying me with the truth.

Wow.

Some friend I am.

Since that conversation both me and him have patched things up but I’m still ashamed of what I have done. I can’t really look him in the eyes. What if he’s not the only one? What if I’ve been alienating all the people closest to me for years and just didn’t see it? What if they’re too afraid to say anything to me, fearing that I’ll just be extra crotchety towards them?

Would this explain why people around me don’t seem to stay around me? Does this explain why I’m considered a person that’s “hard to get sometimes”? Does this mean I repel people as they try to get closer to me?

But I think of one questions more than those.

“What kind of person am I and what kind of person do I want to be known as?”

That’s what keeps running through my mind.

I know what the advice is that you’d throw at me. “Hey, stop being a douche.”

I know, man…I know. It’s simple, it’s poignant, and it’s likely the course of action that needs to take place. I need to figure out other’s feeling before I blurt out “humor”. I need to check on people and make sure they know when something was a joke. (I’ve noticed sometimes I’ll say a “joke” and nobody laughs.)

So I’m working on it. I’m probably going to make some rounds to friends whom I fear I may have alienated. I might find out that I have been a jerk toward a lot of them and they can forgive me. I might find out that my buddy had a really off day and took a lot of stuff too personally. I might find a mixture of both.

Either way, I’m adding something to the Summer To Do’s List…

Be a Better Friend By Not Hurting People’s Feelings. (Yes, this sounds like something a kindergartner would have to write in an apology letter for pushing Timmy off the steps of the slide during recess but that’s just the situation I’m in right now.)

Now, on a lighter note, allow me to reiterate the pooping of the pants if the U.S. of A. can more forward in the World Cup today. Hopefully Ghana and Portugal tie with double goose eggs and the U.S. and Germany realize they’re BBF and just have passing drills for 90 minutes on the pitch. When the whistle blows they’ll trade very not sweaty jerseys and then they’ll have milkshakes afterwards.

I should also mention I’m going to buying paint for my new place in the next week. I’m pretty lost on how to chose those things…so any ideas are highly appreciated.

D.A.

Dr. Phil’d

April 27, 2013

Tonight I drove home stuck in a very thoughtful mood. 

Actually, I drove home and ended up thinking about things I don’t usually think about too often and sort of talked about things (not out loud) that were going on in my life. I think I was my own little psychologist.

I guess you could say I Dr. Phil’d myself in the car. (And no, that’s not a euphemism for “I pooped myself while driving”; though it should be.)

I’m not sure if you get these moments as well.

This isn’t a super rare occasion for me either. Periodically I’ll  find myself feeling incredibly aware of how things in my life really are while I’m just cruising around by myself.  It’s sort of like getting a progress report on your life for that 20 minute car ride. Or maybe it’s my brain’s way of saying “hey, you need to download some updates right now.” It just helps me stay aware of who and what I am.

After that little drive I feel like I’m conscious of why I make/have made/will make the decisions I do/done/will do and it feels good. Makes me feel like I’ve still got autonomy in my life. I think I get some clarity at those times when I wasn’t really expecting it, but it’s greatly appreciated.

Overall, I felt that things were okay. I like my job. I don’t have any major health concerns I’m aware of. I get along with the people in my life. My closet doesn’t have any grotesquely large skeletons inside (except, of course, those of my enemies whom I have slain in battle), and I have money. Those things alone put me in a much better position than so many others.

Now, I’m not saying everything is perfect. Honestly, who could? I still wish my job stability was much more solid (teachers in the sunshine state are only hired on yearly contracts with no obligations to keep said teacher for any period of time beyond that contract). I would like to buy a house but I’m sort of dependent on that job situation. If I try to buy a house and then I get “bumped” from one school to another, would I even want to live in that home anymore if it was far away from my school? What if I simply don’t get rehired and I can’t find any open slots anywhere?

Another byproduct of the quiet ride home is looking as some of those more… troubling aspects of my past. I really look at those whom I’ve lost over the years. There are even some who just aren’t lost (meaning they’re still alive) they’ve just moved on in life to other places.

Still, considering those things, I’m happy. I’m glad I don’t have to walk 3 miles to the nearest “clean” water source. I’m thrilled I have a car that gets me where I need to be. I’m proud I can say I could potentially become a homeowner. I’m even joyed in the idea that I can live a simple enough life that I can share my little moment of existentialism with strangers staring at glowing screens from all across the globe.

I know that’s all kind of general and sappy, but it means a lot to write that down. Thanks for reading it if you did, fellow human. You’re special.

So what about you, where are you when the thoughtful mood strikes you?

D.A.

 

I Feel

October 16, 2012

I’ve been so busy lately I’ve been getting very frustrated.

Imagine a buffalo in a suit and tie driving a compact rental car. He’s stuck in rush hour traffic just wanting to go home.

That’s how I feel.

Why a buffalo?

Don’t ask me. I’m just the guy who writes things from time to time.

D.A.

Groundhog Day

February 2, 2012

Just some things. IN LIST FORM!

1. Today was Groundhog Day. You know what I did?

Watched the movie Groundhog Day. I don’t think you can find any fault in me for that.

I think I love this movie more than somebody should. I actually enjoy every aspect of it. It’s just funny. It’s serious. It’s romantic. And it’s kind of depressing in parts.

All around it’s a pretty solid movie.

2. I’m a lazy blogger. I’m an ever lazier writer. I think I’ve made plans to write something near 3 stories that I’ve never gotten around to doing.

I make no apologies. This is my nature. I am a procrastinator.

Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t like that word all that much. “Procrastinator” seems like a bad word. I’m going to use another phrase. I would like to define myself as a “pusher”.

I push things off. It doesn’t mean I’m never going to do them. I just gently push them out of the way in order to make room for other things.

Like lamps. I love them. I really want to build that steampunk lamp (still in progress by the way). But it has been “pushed” off to the side so I can work on other things.

Mostly work, comics, and wasting time on Reddit.

And I think I’m okay with this for right now. I’m usually pretty worn out by the end of the day. Sometimes I need to make sure that I can take that deep breath so I’m ready for the next day.

I have been “pushing” this blog. And that’s okay. This blog is for me and I’m not trying to prove anything.

Wait a second….

Aren’t I?

Am I not supposed to be working toward becoming a writer? This blog was created so I could write. And I’m not doing it!

Holy Crap!

What have I become?

I am a wretch! I am a fiend! I am despair incarnate.

Sorry… That”s a little heavier than the truth. Still, I should be more committed.

3. That last number was pretty long… This one is pretty short.

4. I think I’m going to be pretty happy with my bunch of kids for this term.

I’ve had them for about two weeks. So far, my class average is up and it seems more like they are really paying attention than my last group.

I actually have a little bit of a conspiracy running through my head because of this sudden group of “behaved” children entering my doors. But that is another post for another day.

5. I now have a retirement plan…

This is a strange thought for me. I am planning for the day when I will no longer work. I have only worked for a few months.

Seems poetic in a way.

Seems mature in a way.

Seems like a lot of money that I may never see again.

6. Today I was in one of those moods that makes you feel like you are just about getting business done.

I woke up late and had a reaaaaallllly slow start, but let me tell you this. When I started going, I didn’t stop. I kept chugging.

This same chugging motion is was is motivating me to write this whole thing out tonight.

I’ve even gotten some stuff done for next week.

These days are rare for me. So I’ve enjoyed it quite a bit.

7. I just ordered a lot of golf pencils. What of it?

8. In my last post I used the word “tinnitus”. This is apparently the code word for crazy spam-bots to bombard my blog with adcomments. It think it’s rather funny. So this is what I’ll do. I’ll use another medical condition here in my blog and see what pops up.

I’m going to use an ailment that seems common to the elderly.

Gout. 

Yes. The trap is set.

Now it’s your job to predict how many searches/spam messages/views I will receive due to my usage of this word.

Winner will win a one way paid trip to the middle of a car lot in east New Jersey. A grade total price of nearly $6.75 (cost of bus ride from airport to car lot).

The ball is in your court now

D.A.