This fella is affectionately known as “One Eye”. 

And, no. I do not own him. Nobody does. With a hardened stare like that nobody can really “own” him. He owns himself. (But my neighbors behind me seem to provide care for him.)

Also, I’ve heard rumor that he goes by the name “Oreo”. I don’t see the resemblance.

I prefer the name One Eye because it’s tough. And, quite clearly, he only has one eye.

I’m pretty creative, huh?

When I look at this mangy backyard power animal I get the sensation that he’s got a story to tell.

A story that’s riddles with action, love, hate, and hours of licking himself clean of the blood of his enemies.

He was probably just like any other cat. A little girl had wanted a kitty and he was the winner. He had the most adorable squeak of a meow and looked like a popular brand name cookie. (I still don’t see the resemblance.)

Everything looked like it would be a nice long life of belly rubs and furballs. Then it all came crashing down.

The little girl got older and grew tired of the little guy. When he lost the affection of that little girl he turned to the grey tabby down the street. She was no good to him. Her constant infidelity drove him to get hooked on “the nip”. Then the bottom fell out.

He was walking the streets and getting into fights all the time. For a while he was the king of the ally. Then, one fateful night, he ended up picking a fight with the wrong kitty.

He lost his pride, his territory, and his right eye…

Then he wandered off into the woods hoping an eagle or an alligator would take his life from him.

But then he stumbled upon my backyard and set up shop.

Okay, I guess I can’t really believe that whole tough guy routine. Especially when he sleeps in an open lawn sprawled out like this…

Come on… he ain’t no tough guy.

Though he is still missing the eye…

There’s a little something I’ve learned about my experiences on the internet.

  • Email = 1% of the internet
  • Video = 1% of the internet
  • Specialized websites = 1% of the internet
  • Cats = 97% of the internet

Thanks to my work here today, that trend will not be changing anytime soon.


The Whole SOPA Thing

January 18, 2012

I’m not a law professor but it does seem like this whole SOPA/PIPA stuff is a little too off kilter. It’s a very broad way of trying to stop something. In fact, it is so much off kilter that many of us lazy internet types have actually gotten angry enough to do something about it. And by “do something” I mean things have been done which don’t actually require you to get out of your chair. Which is good because I don’t imagine many internetters to get up and do something. But if you put the solution right on the computer screen, well then, we’re cooking with gas.

Most of the websites that I frequent are down today, in order to protest the idea of passing these laws.

While I support everybody’s intentions of showing “what the internet could become” in the event that these laws are passed/enacted, I still have one really big frustration.

I’m bored…and want to use the internet please. Without my Reddit, I get ancy… like… don’t have Xanax ancy….

(I would like to point out the inconveniace of this day. You remember my little Xanax joke I made about 4 seconds ago? Well, I wrote that joke thinking, “Yeah, I’m sure people who are dependent on Xanax may suffer withdrawal symptoms.” But in order to verify this I would check a reliable source. This source would most likely be Wikipedia.

Wikipedia is blacked out as well.

See what you’re doing to me Congress? You’re preventing me from making properly used jokes!

I should write my congressman and inform them of the matter at hand…)




September 25, 2011

So I have a few things to pick on. And as a added bonus I shall present them in list form.

I will be speaking directly to all these items I mention.


1. Commercials

Every moment of every day has some infomercial promoting some poorly made product to the masses with bright colors and loud announcers. There is always a 1-800 number associated with it and there is always the low price of $19.99.

Speaking as a consumer I think we are all wary of these tactics. The fact is that you are trying to sell us two of something that is really priced to make a 200% profit. We don’t even really want two of these things anyway.

So let’s just cut the crap and go back to the days of the Ginsu Knives and the George Foreman Lean Mean Meat Grilling Fat Reducing Machine. Not because the products you were selling were of a higher quality, (and they may have been) but because the commercials were at least mildly entertaining.

I still have precious memories of watching a loud man cut through steel cans…

2. Internet games.

Stop trying to draw my attention away from more important matters.

I would love to play you Star Wars The Old Republic/League of Legends/World of Warcraft/Call of Duty but I cannot commit to doing anything that you want me to. I have a job and concerns outside of leveling up so I can get a new mod for my character.

Yes, you are beautiful and flashy. You have cool themes and funny jokes. You challenge my ability to hit buttons faster than a 12 year old Korean kid that does nothing but play these games in his room. Still, I can not commit to you.

So stop tempting me. And if you don’t stop… then I’ll probably buy you and then play you over Christmas break.

3. Food.

How about you stop spoiling before I can eat you? I have managed to throw away wonderful food stuffs out of my refridgerator all because I didn’t have the time nor memory to eat you. If you never went bad this would not be a problem.

4. Cool cartoons from the 90’s.

When I was growing up I learned so much of my humor and life lessons from looking at you. So please make yourself known to the world by appearing on television/the internet more often. I would be happy to list those shows but frankly there are too many. If you were drawn and were on television in the 90’s you should still be shown somewhere. I want to watch you and remember the good old days when I would get home from school and eat some Gushers and drink a Hi-C juice box.

Also, Hi-C juice boxes and Gushers should magically appear in my pantry very soon.

5. My legs.

Stop hurting. I know you don’t like getting used so often but I really need to get places. You just keep doing your job and I’ll get to keep mine.

If possible, could you grow longer? I’m rather short thanks to you and I would like to be able to buy a pair of pants that are actually at the proper length.

That is all. Carry on.


No Sleep

July 27, 2011

I’m currently with no wireless internet connection. I’m surrounded by 1 turtle, 1 frog, 2 dogs, 1 cat, 30 gecko eggs, and 50 full grown geckos. I’ve only had about 4 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours. Keep in mind that time was not in a consistent manner.

No, I did not ventrure to a compound in the Amazon jungle.

No, I haven’t committed to hiding in a zoo and trying to blog from there.

No, I’m not even that upset about anything that’s happened.

I’m just house sitting. House sitting a house that’s full of animals and no snack food…

Now it’s time for a word of advice about sleep:

Hypothetically speaking. If you are ever asked to do a favor for (let’s say) your aunt, and she just happens to ask you if you’d be willing to drive them to the airport at 3 in the morning. And if you say ‘yes’. Then, for the love of all things that are good and kind in the world, take a nap before you do so.

When in doubt, nap.

Now I’m going to try and get some rest. Sweet, sweet rest.

P.S. The lack of sleep was due to a dog(s) taking a dump and peeing in the bed I was supposed to be sleeping in. I had to sleep on the couch. No fun.