September 25, 2011

So I have a few things to pick on. And as a added bonus I shall present them in list form.

I will be speaking directly to all these items I mention.


1. Commercials

Every moment of every day has some infomercial promoting some poorly made product to the masses with bright colors and loud announcers. There is always a 1-800 number associated with it and there is always the low price of $19.99.

Speaking as a consumer I think we are all wary of these tactics. The fact is that you are trying to sell us two of something that is really priced to make a 200% profit. We don’t even really want two of these things anyway.

So let’s just cut the crap and go back to the days of the Ginsu Knives and the George Foreman Lean Mean Meat Grilling Fat Reducing Machine. Not because the products you were selling were of a higher quality, (and they may have been) but because the commercials were at least mildly entertaining.

I still have precious memories of watching a loud man cut through steel cans…

2. Internet games.

Stop trying to draw my attention away from more important matters.

I would love to play you Star Wars The Old Republic/League of Legends/World of Warcraft/Call of Duty but I cannot commit to doing anything that you want me to. I have a job and concerns outside of leveling up so I can get a new mod for my character.

Yes, you are beautiful and flashy. You have cool themes and funny jokes. You challenge my ability to hit buttons faster than a 12 year old Korean kid that does nothing but play these games in his room. Still, I can not commit to you.

So stop tempting me. And if you don’t stop… then I’ll probably buy you and then play you over Christmas break.

3. Food.

How about you stop spoiling before I can eat you? I have managed to throw away wonderful food stuffs out of my refridgerator all because I didn’t have the time nor memory to eat you. If you never went bad this would not be a problem.

4. Cool cartoons from the 90’s.

When I was growing up I learned so much of my humor and life lessons from looking at you. So please make yourself known to the world by appearing on television/the internet more often. I would be happy to list those shows but frankly there are too many. If you were drawn and were on television in the 90’s you should still be shown somewhere. I want to watch you and remember the good old days when I would get home from school and eat some Gushers and drink a Hi-C juice box.

Also, Hi-C juice boxes and Gushers should magically appear in my pantry very soon.

5. My legs.

Stop hurting. I know you don’t like getting used so often but I really need to get places. You just keep doing your job and I’ll get to keep mine.

If possible, could you grow longer? I’m rather short thanks to you and I would like to be able to buy a pair of pants that are actually at the proper length.

That is all. Carry on.