Tell Me What To Do!

February 16, 2012

This weekend will be my first full weekend in 3 weeks. It will also be a long one.

I’m looking at the precious 72 hours as a real opportunity to do something special. I would come up with a cool plan myself, but I’ve already used up all my good ideas and inspiration this week. So YOU need to tell me what to do.

What would you recommend? Should I…

  1. Go camping?
  2. explore a city I’ve never been to before?
  3. Eat a two pound BBQ pulled pork sandwich?
  4. Begin a Pez collection?
  5. Workout to the song “You’re the Best Around” by Joe Esposito?
  6. Shave my head?
  7. Clean out a neighbors gutters?
  8. Go see a doctor to receive a full colonic irrigation?
  9. Go rent a car and tell everybody about my disdain for the company because they “only had a compact”?
  10. Finish my lamp?
  11. Go bowling and bowl 3 consecutive games of exactly 156?
  12. Try out for a professional soccer team?
  13. Perform my own rendition of ‘One Flew Over the Cockoo’s Nest’ in a city park?
  14. Learn to weave baskets?
  15. Grow a beard overnight and then enter a beard contest?
  16. Flash mob in a mall?
  17. Buy a new towel?
  18. Rent a tent for a large outdoor event?
  19. Clean the undercarriage of my car?
  20. Sleep?

Yeah, those are just a few things I thought up but I’m positive you can come up with better.

So help me out. What should I do?

D.A.

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The weekends seem the time in my life that leads me to make creative decisions. Poster framing, building lamps, scrap-booking, they all seem like creative outlets that only appear on the weekends for me.

Okay, I’m lying about the scrapbooking. I just needed another word to fit in that sentence to make it feel better…

Well add another creative outlet to the list.

I am unofficially the official winner of the 3rd anual Pumpkin Carving Contest held at my friend’s house.

And this claim would not be complete without a little photographic evidence of my mad carving skills.

 

And now with a little more mood lighting.

What’s the secret to my insanely developed pumpkin carving abilities?

Hitting the gym. All the time. Eat, sleep, gym, repeat.

Okay, that’s a lie too. The real truth?

Very sharp pearing knives and crappy flexable steak knives. One should also have a little creative know-how (and by little I mean verrrry little) and approach the project with a sense of dignity and respect for the soon to be gutted pumpkin.

I would even like to consider myself more of a “pumpkin purist”, if you will allow me to say so. I usually don’t go for any fancy techniques because I prefer the old fashioned jack ‘o lantern. Just a big grin and some triangle eyes. That’s the kind of person I am. But not this year. I needed to change things up if I wanted the “W”.

Background for the competition?

Well, a friend was having a little get together at his house and decided there was going to be a pumpkin carving contest. And really, the only people who would be at this party are couples. I guess he just figured it would be a good thing for boyfriends/girlfriends and husbands/wives to compete against other couples. Everybody could bond with their significant other while at the same time have fun meeting new people. A real romantic romp.

But that’s not D.A.’s territory. Like I mentioned before, I’m sort of… not… uh… dating…

Since I’m a loner and am always willing to step on people’s toes, I threw my hat in the ring anyway and immediately decided to win the competition.

So, I did the first thing that every red-blooded American should do before any competition that is hardly a contest at all.

I talked crap. Like a boss.

I told everybody that they might as well not even try to compete with me because I was practically already the winner. This really helped me hype up my pumpkin well before it was even purchased or planned. Point one for me. I was in their minds.

The next points were scored when I decided to use cheesy special effects on my pumpkin. I purchased some Flarp gooey children’s toy and decided that would be my pumpkin’s “saliva”. (I figured many people would try for the throwing up pumpkin gag, so I needed to be a little different). The really nice thing was that the Flarp was kind enough to stay in place while still allowing a good amount of drool to occur.

Victory was surly mine.

But just in case you don’t believe me (and I know you all trust me to the fullest extent that you possibly can) check out my competition.

See what I mean? pumpkin guts vomit. Sooooo overplayed.

Bug eyes and pumpkin guts… No surprises here…

Yes, that pumpkin has corn in his possession…He also has a creepy evil clown feel to him.

Pi… Yeah, I get it. Took me a second, but Pi. Pumpkin. Pumpkin Pie…

Wait a second… What do you mean you don’t think these pumpkins are all that bad? Are you telling me you think these are better than my own?

WHA- WHAT?!?!

How can you say that? What are you talking about?

Mine had slime! Slime for goodness sake!

Pi? Pumpkin Pi? Oh, sure, that’s got a little wit in it. And it was carved quite nicely. And it even has a nice proportions… but no! Mine was better!

And yeah… so what if my pumpkin comes across as a little… boring. I’m a purist. And the judges were purists… so there…

I still win. That’s all that matters.

I see your judging eyes, you think you got a better pumpkin than me? Prove it! Write a post or something that displays your pumpkin carving skills and we’ll see who’s really boss. Post a link to it in the comments.

Or don’t. You probably won’t. But … you know… just some friendly competition.

Sincerely,

D.A. “The Pumpkin King” Bancroft

About Saturdays

August 13, 2011

And Sundays as well…

People don’t really get on WordPress when they have quality and engaging things to do outside of the internet. But don’t worry, we will all come crawling back to it once the weekend is over.

Hey, I wasn’t even here on Friday, but that’s because I was having trouble deciding which seat to take…

Front? Back?

Still, for some reason I’ve decided that I will post this short little snippet about the weekends.

Let’s try a social experiment!

I’m going to post this at around 4:15 p.m. on Saturday.

Answer the poll and we’ll get a nice little sample size of activity on WordPress during the weekends! Or this will be a complete failure because nobody will read this once I post something new on here. So, just because of that, I probably won’t post until Monday.

Your statistical and scientific friend,

D.A.